Truth and getting stuff done

My truth is slowly being revealed to me, bit by bit, as needed.  Whether I like it or not. And it comes to me because I opened myself up to it, by surrendering and becoming willing to face t and walk through it. Basically, I asked for it.

Today my truth revealed that even with the knowledge that I am a fixer, I continue to take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. My thought process is this: THAT (fill in your THAT here) needs to be done. It's not my job nor my problem, but if I don't do it, it won't get done.  I'll admit it, part of my problem is my ego. I am good at getting things done. Steller, really.

When I was a kid I took on the responsibility of getting things done. To get love, approval, and acceptance of others. See, I have an alcoholic mom (she is much better today, no longer practicing, about to celebrate 17 years of sobriety) and a 'child of an alcoholic' dad (who is an amazing human being today). We have a great relationship today, but there's some history, okay? I am the first born. I learned early on love was earned, by getting stuff done.

I no longer need the coping skill, the character asset turned defect. I realized I take on WAY more responsibility for many people and situations, for getting stuff done, than is necessary, or even healthy.

And when I see stuff NOT getting done, I am pretty sure I develop a mental twitch...because I know I could get it done, and better (ego) than the people who should be getting a stuff done, and faster, too. The twitch usually quiets when I take that action someone else should be taking. Motive? Well, sometimes there is a reward, praise and acknowledgement if someone notices. Mostly though, at this point in life, my mind rests knowing that I got stuff done. Obsessive because it doesn't always matter if anyone notices. I feel superior, for having done it, ahead of schedule (mine, of course) and RIGHT. (my version of right, anyway)

I need to practice a new approach. I need to keep my eyes on my own paper. I need to go easy on myself when I decline to complete someone elses tasks. I need to accept me as I am, and let the Universe sort out all that undone stuff. I need to let my ego know that I am loved and loveable, that I am enough just the way I am, and I need to believe it.

No is a complete sentence and I need to use it more - on myself - when I see stuff that needs to be done. Being of service is one thing. Continuing this pattern of seeking approval from my own ghosts by over achieving for the sake of it is getting old.

Feelings Processed

Yesterday I finally faced my feelings about my divorce. The most confusing one has been sadness. I asked for the divorce. Yet, when I face certain points in the process - like receiving the final paperwork, or going through boxes in the garage, separating stuff - I feel a sadness, a loss that seems to me to be inappropriate. Like I don't have that right, feeling sad for the end of my marriage. 

It was explained to me that I am ending a relationship I've participated in for over 20 years, and it would be unusual if I did NOT feel sadness. Whether or not I made the decision to end this relationship doesn't matter. Sometimes things need to end: a job, a living arrangement, a friendship. And there is a natural process of grieving, even if the end of things is required for future growth.

Last night I wrote down some of the times I felt sad and then turned away from it, so I could walk through it instead. I spent about 90 minutes writing, identifying my part, ranting a little and finally coming to the conclusion that I did the best I could with what I had, and so did he.

In the end I chose to forgive and ask to be forgiven, to let go of the sadness and move forward with my life, and to apply the lessons I learned to the rest of my life. I hope to remain open minded to the idea that I know only a little and that more will be revealed. I'm sure there will be times when the sadness returns for a brief time. I will acknowledge it and kindly ask it to move on.

I will practice going easy on myself.

Staying in the moment

This morning my boyfriend asked if I was okay with our road trip so far. Because we spontaneously took a right turn on Highway 89 and headed to Yellowstone National Park... We drove from Ogden, Utah into lower Wyoming and traveled North through the park. We stopped when we felt like it, stood in the rain waiting for Old Faithful to do her thing and didn't make it to the North entrance of the park until after 10:30 pm, entering Gardiner, Montana on the evening of Independence Day. No vacancy at any motel or hotel. A very nice desk clerk at the Best Western found us a room at a sister location...in Bozeman, 78 miles farther NE.

Now, I am planner. I research and book and reserve before I go on vacation. And I had certain expectations, which usually fell short. I have NEVER gotten in the car and headed out of town without a PLAN. 

Except for now. So it was a thoughtful gesture on his part when he asked if I was okay with how things had gone so far.

And today I am okay with how things are.  I am happy, I know how to return to the moment and go with the flow. And a happy result of this attitude is that I am relaxed and experiencing enjoyment. 

I am also looking forward to the next part of our adventure, without any expectations. 

But for now we are enjoying THIS moment in a little coffee shop in Bozeman while Costco puts new tires on the Mini.

The Next Indicated Step

It's been a while and recently I was encouraged to write if I want to write and not to be concerned with what I write; is it pretty or poetic or scholarly?  Just put out the truth and let it go. 

I am reading a book suggested by a friend. Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. She writes her truth and her writing triggered some thoughts in my head and one of those thoughts is what I'll share on today.

Some days are much more difficult than others. Getting out of bed seems impossible. On those days a simple phrase - an action phrase I learned in 12 step meetings - gets me through that first minute... Take The Next Indicated Step. I ask my Higher Power for the strength to take that step. And on the impossible days that next indicated step is: throw back the covers. Mind you, those covers weigh a ton, as if someone wove my comforter from gold while I was sleeping.  If I manage to get the covers thrown back, the next step is: sit up. And following that is: swing to the right and put my feet on the floor. Each step is a little easier than the last one, and I find myself walking across the room, turning on the shower, bathing, drying off, making coffee, making something to eat, etc.

Until I find it hard to believe that only an hour earlier I thought I'd never get out of bed.

This approach works well during the day too when I am suddenly overwhelmed with the number of tasks ahead of me and the limited number of hours left in the day.  I become paralyzed for a moment. I don't know what to do first, or next.  Once again I ask my Higher Power for strength. I stop. I breathe. Then I touch one thing. And I complete that task. And things get moving again.

"Take The Next Indicated Step" was not always my first thought. And it still isn't always the first place I go when I am feeling lost. In my early recovery I procrastinated, I wallowed, I complained and I didn't take any action.  Every day from then to now I've gathered tools and changed small behaviors. Little by little I've learned, first by force and eventually on the occasional autopilot, to take the action, seek that next indicated step.

More will be revealed. Stick around.