Today my truth revealed that even with the knowledge that I am a fixer, I continue to take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. My thought process is this: THAT (fill in your THAT here) needs to be done. It's not my job nor my problem, but if I don't do it, it won't get done. I'll admit it, part of my problem is my ego. I am good at getting things done. Steller, really.
When I was a kid I took on the responsibility of getting things done. To get love, approval, and acceptance of others. See, I have an alcoholic mom (she is much better today, no longer practicing, about to celebrate 17 years of sobriety) and a 'child of an alcoholic' dad (who is an amazing human being today). We have a great relationship today, but there's some history, okay? I am the first born. I learned early on love was earned, by getting stuff done.
I no longer need the coping skill, the character asset turned defect. I realized I take on WAY more responsibility for many people and situations, for getting stuff done, than is necessary, or even healthy.
And when I see stuff NOT getting done, I am pretty sure I develop a mental twitch...because I know I could get it done, and better (ego) than the people who should be getting a stuff done, and faster, too. The twitch usually quiets when I take that action someone else should be taking. Motive? Well, sometimes there is a reward, praise and acknowledgement if someone notices. Mostly though, at this point in life, my mind rests knowing that I got stuff done. Obsessive because it doesn't always matter if anyone notices. I feel superior, for having done it, ahead of schedule (mine, of course) and RIGHT. (my version of right, anyway)
I need to practice a new approach. I need to keep my eyes on my own paper. I need to go easy on myself when I decline to complete someone elses tasks. I need to accept me as I am, and let the Universe sort out all that undone stuff. I need to let my ego know that I am loved and loveable, that I am enough just the way I am, and I need to believe it.
No is a complete sentence and I need to use it more - on myself - when I see stuff that needs to be done. Being of service is one thing. Continuing this pattern of seeking approval from my own ghosts by over achieving for the sake of it is getting old.
