Gratitude is a lifesaver

Being grateful is difficult when I don't get what I want... and it seems I want EVERYTHING. Today I didn't get what I wanted due to some unanticipated surgery earlier this week (appendicitis is unpredictable, it seems).  I wanted to attend my oldest son's wedding in Florida tomorrow.  I made the decision to stay home, thinking of my long term health, rather than my want.  And I was disappointed, I was/am sad that I will not be in attendance.
The gratitude comes in their understanding, in their love of me no matter what, that I have relationships with my kids today that withstand these types of occurrences.
And I am available to help others today who may not have been able to do what they needed to do if I had not been available to lend a hand.
My life is blessed and when I slow down and take notice, I see those things I use to miss in my hurry to move on to the next thing.

In The Beginning...

...there was despair. I was lost. I was frozen in indecision. I'd forgotten the face of my father.

So much had occurred in my life in the past 36 months that affected me, directly and indirectly, I just kinda of broke down last night.  I couldn't (wouldn't) make a decision, or a move, or have a thought.  I'd become obsessed over the idea of a life of What If and my mind would just NOT shut up.

Last night I ran away. I did not want to be anything to anyone anymore. Not a mom, or a wife, or a daughter, or a friend.  I was way past overload. (I was also working on sleep deprivation - I do not recommend it, but sometimes it is unavoidable). I decided to stop interacting with others for a little while.

I stayed in a hotel. I read my emails, some comic books, and then I read my twitter feeds.  I follow a few Twitter accounts: DustinLives, Stefen Lessard, Joe Hill, PodCast Junky, to name most of them, and Tiny Buddha... yesterday I read this post on Tiny Buddha (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/build-yourself-an-army-for-happiness/) and then I slept.

And when I woke up five hours later (12:30 a.m., PDT), I felt a little better.  I read that post again.  And I contemplated it ramifications - what soldiers would be in my army for happiness?

At 1:00 a.m. I turned on the television and found a movie starring Paul Giamatti called Win Win. Never heard of it, like Paul, watched it.

Went back to sleep after it ended.

Woke up at 5:30 a.m. Dozed off. Woke up at 6:30 a.m. Dozed again. Woke up at 7:30 a.m. Lay there thinking about surrender, about acceptance.  Me surrendering to and accepting all the things I have no control over. Including, at times, my response to people, places, things and situations.  Thinking about how I've believed for SO LONG that I am not good enough, or smart enough, or just enough... and realizing that I am. I realized that in order to build and utilize that army for happiness I need to stop comparing myself and my place in life to everybody else.  I need to begin accepting who I am, and be okay with that.  I cannot continue a journey when I don't even know where I am in the journey and it's hard to see where I am in my journey when I am constantly focusing on everyone else's journey, comparing my progress to theirs. (long winded, yes, but you get the point, right?)

Begin again - I am grateful for my life today, for my sobriety, for my program of recovery. Butterflies fluttering about make me happy. Any song sung by Dave Matthews makes me happy. Remembering the hike up Vernal Falls makes me happy. Camping in the woods makes me happy. Laying on the beach or in a park soaking in the sun makes me happy (and sleepy). Being hugged makes me happy. Growing vegetables in my garden makes me happy.

There are probably a million things I find happiness in... as it was suggested, I need a depository of happy thoughts and memories to visit when the darkness threatens to close in again.  Welcome to my happiness hub.