Feelings Processed

Yesterday I finally faced my feelings about my divorce. The most confusing one has been sadness. I asked for the divorce. Yet, when I face certain points in the process - like receiving the final paperwork, or going through boxes in the garage, separating stuff - I feel a sadness, a loss that seems to me to be inappropriate. Like I don't have that right, feeling sad for the end of my marriage. 

It was explained to me that I am ending a relationship I've participated in for over 20 years, and it would be unusual if I did NOT feel sadness. Whether or not I made the decision to end this relationship doesn't matter. Sometimes things need to end: a job, a living arrangement, a friendship. And there is a natural process of grieving, even if the end of things is required for future growth.

Last night I wrote down some of the times I felt sad and then turned away from it, so I could walk through it instead. I spent about 90 minutes writing, identifying my part, ranting a little and finally coming to the conclusion that I did the best I could with what I had, and so did he.

In the end I chose to forgive and ask to be forgiven, to let go of the sadness and move forward with my life, and to apply the lessons I learned to the rest of my life. I hope to remain open minded to the idea that I know only a little and that more will be revealed. I'm sure there will be times when the sadness returns for a brief time. I will acknowledge it and kindly ask it to move on.

I will practice going easy on myself.